Update Myself Please

It has been a while since I have last posted a blog. Maybe it is time for me to update myself.

Work--It has been reasonable. Lately I've been keeping to myself while working. I do not put myself out there to socialize with people at work anymore. I go to work, to work. What more do I need? Although I have been hanging out with my manager lately...we are friends? I suppose so. I would like to move up a position, but I do not know how. It makes me want to look for another job. We shall see...

School--Has not begun yet. I am excited. With thirteen units under me, I hope in faith that I will pass them all. No dropping. That is my rule. If one may say, I resolve that I will devote my time into school and less hanging out. I pray that I will be able to focus because I need to. Being faithful in this little thing will help me in being faithful in bigger things later in this life.

Family--I miss them because I hardly make time to see them. I know my family misses me because of the comments they make. "You're out too much" "You're never home" etc. I have been cutting back on hanging out lately. Okay, maybe not as much as I should...but it is summer time, and school is starting soon. I hope my parents will understand, not likely though.

Love--My heart is not torn, nor is it whole. It seems to me that I am trying to enjoy singleness, but cannot. Maybe it is that I do not want to be single since I have not been single in so long. I have always been by someone's side, as a friend, friend, or girlfriend. Eight years now...I cannot go on just yet. He said to me a few days ago: "Now that I am ready, you aren't. Ironic." Then the other one said to me the other day: "I was talking to my friend, and he mentioned to me, 'If you like her, and she likes you...what difference does it make that you guys are from a different faiths?'" Ugh. I do not know what else to do except to not talk to either one. That is not right though, and I know it.

Bible Time--Still is not well. I pray my heart does not become cold or lukewarm. It scares me so much when I think about God spewing me out of his mouth. It scares me that I take long to respond to his rebuke.

What else is there to cover? I spend too much. Remind me, please, to not spend anymore-- unless necessary.

Together Again

Yes, today was a day that my Brother and I were together again. Oh, how I have missed my not-so-little Brother! What did we do? After church today, I went straight to his work to pick him up. It turns out that the next person on cannot make it because he has some family business to take care of. What stinks is that Brother has to stay an extra four and a half hours. Instead of carrying on with our plans, I have practice. I practice and come back for Brother. Then we leave for our errands...tickets to a show. YAY! After that, we have some dinner at Wahoo's. Yep, Wahoo's. There was a good conversation, there it was. He actually asked me about church that day. Oh man, I do not recall the last time I talked to my Brother about God or his Word, but I loved it. Shortly after we finished eating, off to studying at a near-by Starbucks...near our home. It was a good time there too because he began to encourage me in continuing to study. YAY for study buddies! When we were done studying and getting ready to leave, we were able to have a chat with an old friend...a friend we have not spoken to in a while. Oh, it was a good day. A very good day. I love my not-so-little Brother, and I hope he knows and remembers that.

For a While

I have had the most blessed Sunday in the longest time. A best friend of mine and I had sweet, sweet fellowship. We were talking about everything, from lovers to haters and everthing in between. It was great. We, both, have missed it.

Lately, Life has been a bit difficult. Family is dealing with love and how to go about it. Friends love and hate, hate and love. In the end, they stick with one. Lovers love others. New interests have old ones. Despite all of this, I try to love.

Yesterday's evening was not a very pleasant one. I cried so hard. It felt like I was nine years old again. I was crying out for someone I love to play with me, to keep me company--to love me. I wanted someone to talk with. I wanted someone I can pour out my heart and soul to. I did not have anyone, only God was there listening to me. I felt his hand on my head, on my heart. (Not that my heart is in my head. You know what I mean.) I wanted to hug him so tightly, so closely. I wanted to hear his heartbeat, and I wanted mine to beat the same beat. I needed his robe to wipe away my tears, my snots, my sorrows and heartaches. I longed for him to hold my face in his hands, to look deeply into my eyes, and to fill my heart with warmth and joy (the everlasting kind).

I miss that kind of joy. I miss that kind of love. I miss that kind of life.

A Sweet Reminder

I am still on. I am still on to Find. I am still on to Believe. I am still on to Laugh. I am still on to Cry. I am still on to Yell. I am still on to Talk. I am still on to Type. I am still on to Love. I am still on to Live.

This week has been a bit confusing as far as relationships go. I feel as though everyone I come into contact with is just a result of convenience. We all should know what I mean and feel here. Maybe it is not just a convenient thing, maybe our relationsip is based on a certain type of fulfillment. It is like when I am with you or you are with me, we feel this sense of completeness.

But as I was saying, this week--yesterday in particular--I had this feeling of greatness. I am not saying that I am great, but just this feeling. It was a reassuring feeling. Really now, I believe that it was God letting me know that Today and Everyday is a great day, if only you would open your heart to it. It was as if God was rekindleing a spark, a fire within me to help in acknoweldging this life and the life to come. It was Happiness, joyous happiness, that made me call a friend and share.

I still Live. I still Love.